Stained Glass and Good-Byes...

The weather today was lousy. Angry clouds and drenching rain all day. It was the perfect opportunity to clean up and start packing. I am anxious now to be back in Florida, to see family and friends, to enjoy familiar surroundings, to move on.

My experience in Maryland has been extremely stressful, partly due to events beyond my control, but largely because of circumstances I created for myself. I realize now that it was more about time than place. I moved to the Washington, DC suburbs because I genuinely like the area, and the city itself, but what I really needed was time to enjoy the things I like about myself, and time to examine the things I don't like. What do you do when you discover that the person you have become is not the person you want to be?

There is no easy way to change direction when you have been in the same town, working the same job for years and years. I wanted to break all routines of behavior, disrupt all patterns of thought, and keep the strongest parts of the old life structure while adding to it new features that will make it more durable, and more functional.

The process is nowhere near complete. I'm only now beginning to understand that the New Clothing Enterprise will last as long as I do. But I've noticed differences in myself. And I like them.

I find that waves of warmth flow over me when I see loving parents cuddling a happy toddler. I eat slowly, and enjoy my food. I sip drinks. I stop when I see flowers or trees or patches of blue sky that remind me how great it is to be alive. I will literally stand and smile, and enjoy the sight, and let it register in my mind. If you can't find happiness in such things, where will you find it? Never surrender your right to live in the moment. Who knows how many moments we have left?

I no longer get upset when I make wrong turns, especially if it's a road I've never been down before. How many wonderful things and places have been discovered by accident? I talk to animals now. Not far from where I live, there are two areas that always attract deer at dusk. When I walk past them as I return from the train station at the end of the day, I have made it a habit to say, "Hi deer," and then chuckle to myself. You should try it. It works. Don't worry, the animals haven't started talking back. Yet.

After doing some preliminary packing, I went up the road to the Stained Glass Pub. It's the nearest place to get a drink and watch sports with a boisterous crowd of regular patrons. I went there often when I first arrived here. People were immediately tolerant, if not downright friendly. I had chatted with a handful of them. I had gone four weeks without a visit there, four weeks without any alcohol at all, actually, and I think they missed me. Now I had to say good-bye.

Before I left the house, Jun Li, the young Asian guy who lives across the hall, was stocking the fridge with a 12 pack of Heineken. He always has beer. I asked if the box of wine that had been chilling in there for weeks belonged to Cynthia, and tried not to make a face at the mere thought of wine in a cardboard container. No, the wine was his, he said, in case of emergencies. I laughed and wondered what would constitute an "emergency."

After I shuffled through a slight drizzle from the car into the Pub, I hadn't been at the bar for more than twenty seconds before Murat slid a cold mug of Stella in my direction. He's good about that.

Hunter stopped to chat. He is a crusty old guy who manages the kitchen during the week, but works weekend shifts as a server for extra money. His throat is ravaged from years of smoking and drinking, but he is a character. It is karaoke night in the other room, and he sees me wince as someone hits a sour note. Karaoke originated in Japan, and I wish it had stayed there. Seeing the expression of painful disapproval on my face, Hunter leans in to my ear and whispers, "Next to the CIA and a handful of others, I'm one of the few who knows that karaoke is covert, long-term payback for Hiroshima and Nagasaki."

He walks off to one of his tables, and then looks back. His eyes sparkle in the dark room when he turns to see me still laughing. He looks tired, but I know he is enjoying himself.

Another man, whose name I can't remember, walks by. He's wearing a T-shirt that tells you everything you need to know about him. It says: No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

I stayed for three beers and the end of the Redskins game, then I was ready to go. I thanked Murat for his kindness, smiled and waved at a few others, and left.

Next stop: Florida.

The New Clothing Enterprise continues...