Orlando - The Manhole Capitol of the World

I live in Orlando, Florida. It's an okay place. I mean, it's not Paris, but then again, it's not Ft. Stockton, Texas either. It's pretty centrally located. But Florida is a big state, so that doesn't necessarily mean it's convenient. Key West is 425 miles south. And if you want to meander up to the Panhandle, Pensacola is 451 miles to the north, and then west. Key West is cool in a funky sort of way. And Pensacola sounds like something you could mix with rum. So I guess that's good.

Many of the tourists who visit Florida come to, or at least through, Orlando. It's a busy place. Ongoing efforts in certain parts of the city have made it somewhat more visually appealing, but I recently noticed something that is now driving me nuts, and makes me believe the city should consider changing its official motto from "The City Beautiful" to "The Manhole Capitol of the World."

I took a picture at the intersection of Orange Ave and Washington Street in downtown Orlando. Although they are not all clearly visible in the photo, from where I was standing on the corner, there were eleven manhole covers visible. That only counts the regular man-sized manholes, not the smaller utility covers, water meter covers and whatever-the-hell-other covers that are all over the place in the Manhole Capitol of the World.

Manholes - and their covers - in principle and theory, are not objectionable. And, since civil engineering and urban planning are not my forte, I can only assume that many of them are truly and genuinely necessary to accomodate the energy, transportation, communication and sewage needs of a big city. But this is the part that really gets me; despite the achievements of modern technology and the ingenuity of the American worker, not one of the manhole covers is flush with the surface of the road.

Twice every weekday, on the way to and from work, I drive down the Federal highways numbered 17 and 92 - running concurrently - through Maitland and Winter Park, and into downtown Orlando. This portion of the road is not covered with asphalt. It is one of those old-school concrete roads with expansion joints (i.e. planned cracks) every fifteen feet or so. That, in itself, is bad enough. But, when you add in all the troughs, dips, splits, faults and crevices that occur through normal wear and tear, and combine those with the hundreds of manhole covers you encounter all along the route, driving down this stretch of road is about as comfortable as riding in a landing barge heading into Omaha Beach. Minus the bullets and artillery, of course. At least in most areas.

I'm willing to admit that the bulk of the manhole covers are only minor inconveniences, but some of them are bona fide hazards. It wouldn't surprise me to find out some day that those in charge of Orlando's roadways and their associated manhole covers spent years collecting generous bribes from the makers of automotive tires and shock absorbers.

If there is any benefit in having so many manhole covers, it's that it sometimes helps me forget about the thousands of ill-timed traffic lights that must be navigated if you hope to get anywhere in the Manhole Capitol of the World.

But I don't want to sound too bitter. It could be worse. I could live in Ft. Stockton.