Lawnmowers and Leaf Blowers

I hate Mondays. 

Probably for many of the same reasons that lots of people hate Mondays. But also because I live in a busy, suburban neighborhood that comes alive at the beginning of every week with constant reminders of how truly pathetic we as a nation have become. 

Without fail, Mondays start early with the street sweeper, followed closely by the trash trucks. I especially admire the dedication of some of the drivers who are so determined to get every bit of trash out of the little dumpster that they use the mechanical arm to bang it several times against the top of the truck. Obviously, by the time I wake up, they’re already on their third cup of coffee. 

Just to be clear, these are necessary services that I do appreciate. I just wish they’d come around on Friday at about 4:00 in the afternoon – when I’m at happy hour. 

Normally, there is some construction or improvement project going on somewhere nearby, so the hammers and saws come next - occasionally accompanied by the staccato shots of an air gun spitting out roofing nails. Whenever these tools come out before 9 AM, I usually concoct detailed fantasy images about how they might be applied to the user – cracking skulls, sawing off limbs, or nailing hands to the shingles. 

Did I mention I hate Monday morning noises? 

After that come the noises that really irritate me... lawnmowers and leaf blowers. 

The concept of leaf blowers is ludicrous to begin with. 

Here's the thought process… someone spends a half hour creating a horrendous racket to blow this yard debris into the road several feet away, entirely ignoring the fact that this very same debris will return the minute a few cars drive by or the wind picks up. 

Remember that hit song by the band Kansas called Dust in the Wind? I’m now convinced that was part of a late-70s conspiracy to sell leaf blowers. Black and Decker, Craftsmen, they were all in on it. Dust belongs on the ground, not in the wind. 

Then Big Pharma got into it. 

That’s right. They realized all this dust in the wind would leave us hacking and coughing and mopping our runny noses. Claritin, Zyrtec, Allegra, Flonase, Nasacort… They’re all in on it. Everything was fine until someone realized that if you could somehow collect fifty pounds of Sudafed, you could make crystal meth with it. 

So they started selling us phenylephrine as a substitute. Everybody bought it. I have some right now. 

Recently, it was discovered that phenylephrine's decongestant effects may not be significantly different from that of a placebo. I swear, I’m not making this up. I found an article from USA Today last September – “FDA Panel Declares Decongestant Phenylephrine Ineffective.” There’s a study from the Yale School of Medicine in October – “Phenylephrine, a Common Decongestant, Is Ineffective.” 

And it all started with leaf blowers… 

 Lawnmowers are equally ludicrous. 

Think of all the effort people put into creating a nice, thick, green lawn. 

So they can cut it. 

Then they feed, and water and coax it into growing back. 

 So they can cut it. 

Does this make sense? What the hell is wrong with people? 

Americans spend about $33 billion annually on lawn care. $33 billion. It’s a tragic waste of money, not to mention the effect on the fresh water supply and the impact of fertilizers and pesticides on the environment. 

And it’s all about keeping up with the Joneses. 

According to an article I found somewhere… “With the rise of suburbia in post-World War Two-America… a lawn expressed the national ideal that, with hard work, sacrifice and perhaps a little help from Uncle Sam, home ownership and a patch of land could be within reach for every American.” 

Then some bastard from Missouri named Leonard Goodall invented the rotary lawnmower in 1935. According to some other article I found, power mower production increased from under 35,000 before World War II to 362,000 in 1947 to nearly 1.2 million in 1951. 

 All that dust in the wind. Oh, the humanity… 

Lawnmowers. And leaf blowers. 

Again, it’s just a reminder of how truly pathetic we as a nation have become. We choose to showcase our alleged prosperity by using our limited resources to create shit that we then have to cut down and blow away. 

Does this make sense? What the hell is wrong with people? 

There is a growing trend toward turning lawns into gardens that support biodiversity while reducing the use of water and dangerous chemicals. I’m all in favor of it, but I don’t feel like I have seen much evidence of this trend. 

I’ll be glad to participate in any movement that helps to reduce the use of lawnmowers and leaf blowers… and support anything, ANYTHING we can do to let me sleep in on Monday mornings.