Orlando - The Manhole Capitol of the World

I live in Orlando, Florida. It's an okay place. I mean, it's not Paris, but then again, it's not Ft. Stockton, Texas either. It's pretty centrally located. But Florida is a big state, so that doesn't necessarily mean it's convenient. Key West is 425 miles south. And if you want to meander up to the Panhandle, Pensacola is 451 miles to the north, and then west. Key West is cool in a funky sort of way. And Pensacola sounds like something you could mix with rum. So I guess that's good.

Many of the tourists who visit Florida come to, or at least through, Orlando. It's a busy place. Ongoing efforts in certain parts of the city have made it somewhat more visually appealing, but I recently noticed something that is now driving me nuts, and makes me believe the city should consider changing its official motto from "The City Beautiful" to "The Manhole Capitol of the World."

I took a picture at the intersection of Orange Ave and Washington Street in downtown Orlando. Although they are not all clearly visible in the photo, from where I was standing on the corner, there were eleven manhole covers visible. That only counts the regular man-sized manholes, not the smaller utility covers, water meter covers and whatever-the-hell-other covers that are all over the place in the Manhole Capitol of the World.

Manholes - and their covers - in principle and theory, are not objectionable. And, since civil engineering and urban planning are not my forte, I can only assume that many of them are truly and genuinely necessary to accomodate the energy, transportation, communication and sewage needs of a big city. But this is the part that really gets me; despite the achievements of modern technology and the ingenuity of the American worker, not one of the manhole covers is flush with the surface of the road.

Twice every weekday, on the way to and from work, I drive down the Federal highways numbered 17 and 92 - running concurrently - through Maitland and Winter Park, and into downtown Orlando. This portion of the road is not covered with asphalt. It is one of those old-school concrete roads with expansion joints (i.e. planned cracks) every fifteen feet or so. That, in itself, is bad enough. But, when you add in all the troughs, dips, splits, faults and crevices that occur through normal wear and tear, and combine those with the hundreds of manhole covers you encounter all along the route, driving down this stretch of road is about as comfortable as riding in a landing barge heading into Omaha Beach. Minus the bullets and artillery, of course. At least in most areas.

I'm willing to admit that the bulk of the manhole covers are only minor inconveniences, but some of them are bona fide hazards. It wouldn't surprise me to find out some day that those in charge of Orlando's roadways and their associated manhole covers spent years collecting generous bribes from the makers of automotive tires and shock absorbers.

If there is any benefit in having so many manhole covers, it's that it sometimes helps me forget about the thousands of ill-timed traffic lights that must be navigated if you hope to get anywhere in the Manhole Capitol of the World.

But I don't want to sound too bitter. It could be worse. I could live in Ft. Stockton.

The Form Letter

Recently, I was working with members of a professional organization to which I belong. As part of the "membership" committee, I was helping to compose a form letter to use as a way of "personally" contacting brand new members who have just paid their dues.

Even the friendliest of form letters can still sound like a form letter, so, if I am the sender, I like to spruce it up to fit my personality. While we were fiddling around with the proper wording, I concocted this:


Dear ____________

Thank you for joining the (city name here) chapter of the (organization name here). My name is B____________ W____________, and I have included my personal contact information in case you have any questions about the organization. Bear in mind that I often leave my phone uncharged and I rarely check my e-mail. So, you're pretty much on your own, but I thought I should at least pretend to extend this courtesy to you.

Now that we have your money, we're kind of hoping that we won't see you again until this time next year. Even then, if you'd prefer to just mail in a check, that would be great.

If you actually plan to get involved with the club and its events, congratulations! There's a good chance that you'll never see me at any of these functions because I mostly prefer to hide in the back and drink beer. I don't even emerge to get napkins when I'm sloppy with the appetizers. Good God, man, that's what sleeves are for.

At some point in this century, we'll have a brand new website that will tell you everything you need to know about the (city name here) chapter. In the meantime, I recommend BabesAtTheBeach.com. I mean, seriously, would you rather see information on our next guest speaker or would you rather see thongs?

If you'd like to become a member of one of our committees, let me know which one interests you, and I'll turf you off to the chairperson of that committee. That makes it even more likely that you will leave me alone at future events, and let me enjoy my beer and gobble appetizers in peace.

If you do happen to enter our next function during the few minutes that I am near the door, please say hello quickly and then be on your merry way. If I'm at the front of the room, it's only because I haven't yet located the bar. If you expect to exchange anything more than the briefest pleasantries, you'd better be buying.

Sincerely,



B____________ W____________




What do you think?

Stupidly Drunk

Note: I read this on stage at the Storytelling Practice Session at Sleeping Moon Cafe - an event presented in conjunction with Diverse Word Spoken Word Community and Storytellers of Central Florida.


During a visit to Gainesville in early December, I was standing behind the end of the bar at the Beer Pit. My friend Ryan owns it, and his buddies often stand behind the end of the bar. It's a short bar, and, by waiting at the end of it, we can see what's going on in the rest of the place, help out in whatever meager way we are able, when necessary, and still chat with Ryan while also staying out of everybody's way. It works well.

It was a busy Friday night, and people were coming up one after the other to order. A guy worked his way through the bodies to the bar. He was relatively young, mid-twenties probably, wearing a light brown jacket and a camouflage baseball hat. Ryan raised his eyebrows and pointed - the signal that he was ready for the guy to place his order.

The new patron tried to speak, but managed only to make some noises that weren't readily recognizable as English. I grinned at Ryan, and we prepared to have some fun at this guy's expense. That's what we normally do with people who are stupidly drunk; we make them feel stupider. And this guy was almost too drunk to speak.

After a few attempts in the midst of the chaos of the crowd, he was able to tell me that he wanted a Coors Light. I relayed this to Ryan, and I could tell that Ryan was contemplating whether he should even serve this guy. In that brief pause, it became obvious that the guy wanted to tell me something else.

I turned to face him directly. He leaned toward me, gathered himself as well as he could, and said, "I just found out I'm being deployed to Afghanistan on December 23."

For a second, maybe two, he looked at me. Right at me. What I saw in his eyes has stayed with me ever since.

It was clearly fear. Not fear of bodily harm. As far as I could tell, he was no more or less courageous or cowardly than the next guy. But he was smart enough to know that, no matter what happened over there, his life would never be the same. Whatever he had, he was about to lose. And he was terrified.

Especially in your twenties, things happen quickly. Circumstances change. People change. Relationships change. Babies learn to talk. Relatives get sick. Job openings are filled. Girlfriends or boyfriends get lonely.

Beginning on Christmas Eve, life as he currently knew it was over.

When we, as a nation, make the decision to put men and women in harm's way, we should be sure to do everything necessary to help them succeed with the least possible risk. But we should also be sure that what we are asking them to do is so absolutely vital that the risk is worth the reward. Because, even if they return, we have taken from them a portion of their lives that they can never get back.

For those who are injured, physically or psychologically, the story is even worse. And then there are those who don't come back at all...

I thought of all this in the second or two that Ryan spent trying to decide if this guy should have another beer. I turned to Ryan and said, "He just told me he's going to Afghanistan on December 23."

Ryan grabbed a cup, went to the tap, came back, and handed the guy his beer. No charge. The guy took a sip, looked at both of us, turned and squirmed away. Ryan didn't say anything, but I could tell he was thinking the same thing I was; if I were going to Afghanistan in two weeks, I would be stupidly drunk too.

On the Dunes and Ocean Blue

I like the beach. Not in an ordinary, casual way. I really like the beach. And the strange thing about it is I can't really explain why, or at least there is no explanation that holds true all the time. Hundreds of books, poems and songs have addressed the subject. Part of the reason it's indefinable is because it not only means different things to different people, it also means different things to the same people at different times.

For me, sometimes it means solitude.  If you can find it. But it can also mean sharing the time and space with people enjoying the sun, surfers challenging the waves, fisherman casting and reeling, and kids building sand castles. And that's not even mentioning the animal life, both in the water and on the beach.

If you sit long enough, terns will strut near you searching for food, tiny crabs come out of their holes and battle over territory, and, occasionally, a buzzard will roost nearby in the hope that your prolonged stillness is an indication of your imminent demise.

I recently had a staring contest with a seagull. He stood for quite some time about half way between me and the rest of his flock. I don't know if he was suspicious, curious, or just on routine sentry duty. I finally took his picture. Couldn't tell if he smiled. Eventually he wandered off. I'm probably more interesting than the average human, but not interesting enough to hold his attention for too long.

People just seem happier and healthier when they're near the ocean, or in it. Life seems to slow down. Attitudes seem to improve. It's something many people notice, but can't seem to explain. If you've often felt different when you're near the ocean, it's not your imagination or wishful thinking. There is actually some science behind it. The breaking waves produce negative ions that are good for you in many ways. One source I found explains it this way:

The force or energy of the falling or splashing water causes splitting of neutral particles of air, freeing electrons which attach to other molecules causing a negative charge.

Negative ions enhance our mood, stimulate our senses, improve appetite and sexual drive, provide relief from hay fever, sinusitis and bronchial asthma, allergies, migraines, even post-operative pain and burns.

And you thought it was just the babes in bikinis...

Negative ions also stimulate our brain, our immune system, and the ability of our red blood cells to absorb oxygen. If laughter is the best medicine, the ocean is clearly a close second.

For me, there are musical associations with the ocean. The combination of music and negative ions can be very powerful. Probably the band most obviously associated (at least in their early days) with the beach was the Beach Boys. I think reggae has an ocean association - or at least an "island" association, which is almost the same thing. You wouldn't normally think of jazz-pop or aging new wave rock as styles of music that make you yearn for the sea, but I have a couple of songs in those genres that I often like to hear when the beach is my destination.

One of them is actually quite melancholy. It's a break-up song, and the writer naturally connects the scene with the unfortunate circumstance, and yet he is drawn back again and again. It's from the 1983 album "Kamakiriad" by Donald Fagen who was part of the Steely Dan duo, and a master of the jazz-pop genre. It's called "On the Dunes."

 


My favorite lines:

As you spoke, you must have known
It was a kind of homicide
I stood and watched my happiness
Drift outwards with the tide
On the dunes
On the dunes

You can never go wrong with this song. It's called "Ocean Blue," from the 1998 album "Elemental" by the Fixx, a band that was part of the English new wave invasion in the 80's. Cy Curnin is one of my favorite singers - a great voice, powerful and soothing at the same time, very much like the ocean itself. This song has a simple but infectious bass line, and a relaxing melody. The message is exactly what you think it might be; the awesomeness of the ocean.

My favorite lines:

Mother of creation, temple of the womb
Take me in your waters darling, I am coming home
Ocean blue, senses and soul renew
Ocean blue, forgive all the wrong I do



 So, are you ready to hit the beach yet?

Stress Meets Sand

Every now and then, I treat myself to a getway in an area that has become my new favorite destination. My life may not seem all that stressful at the moment, but, as with everyone, I have issues that weigh on me heavily, and I have found Cape Canaveral and Port Canaveral to be a perfect periodic release. The beach is a place I always enjoy. The combination of sun, sand and waves warms me, and usually wears me out! If there is no good body-surfing, I'll walk for miles.

Normally, my beach trips from the east side of Orlando aim straight for Canaveral National Seashore. But, this past weekend, the main beach in the southern part of Canaveral - Playalinda Beach - was closed because of the upcoming shuttle mission from the Kenneday Space Center at Cape Canaveral.  For safety and security reasons, the part of the park that is adjacent to the launch pad closes when the shuttle is readied, and re-opens the day after a launch.

It had been many years since I'd been to Cocoa Beach, so I thought I would give it a try, but what I found is what I feared I would find. The beach road is bordered by convenience stores lined with gas pumps, tacky shops from which I would never buy anything, and restaurants that serve bland, fried seafood.  The beach itself is basically a carnival in the sand...

It didn't take long for me to decide to hit the highway, and head for the northern end of Canaveral National Seashore - the part called Apollo Beach - by way of New Smyrna Beach. It meant a forty minute drive, but I can't stand a beach like Cocoa Beach. Even though I like the southern end of Canaveral much better, the difference when I arrived at the north end was immediately obvious...

I caught a handful of good waves, and walked a few miles, and, by then, it was time to go to Port Canaveral and meet a friend.

Jesus Loves Me

On the sand at Cocoa Beach, I had noticed a tent full of people passing out religious literature of some sort. They were mixed in with the people passing out samples of energy drinks, headache powder and a variety of other things. It's nice to know that people care...

During the drive back from Apollo Beach, I was relieved to see that Jesus not only loves me, but his disciples are leaving me messages in the most unlikely places, like this one painted on an old tire in the middle of nowhere...

Grills and The Cove

The drive from Apollo Beach back to Port Canaveral takes almost an hour. It would be quicker except you have to negotiate the portion of US 1 that runs through Titusville to Cocoa. On this stretch of highway, the traffic signals are so remarkably well synchronized that a person traveling at or near the speed limit will hit every red light. I wish I were kidding.

Eventually, you arrive at Cocoa, turn left on the 528 causeway, go over the bridge to Port Canaveral, and turn left into the Cove and Grills Seafood Deck and Tiki Bar.

Grills is fabulous. It is essentially a restaurant with a huge tiki bar built on top of a marina. The food is good. The service is excellent. The ambience is terrific. And the sources of stimulation are varied and abundant.

The tiki bar area is sheltered by several tall palms.  There is a large wood deck in the back, right on the waterway, that provides a perfect viewing platform as enormous cruise ships and other commercial vessels come and go. The ocean breeze is constant and cool. And, even though it is in the center of a working area, as you enjoy the view you tend to overlook the piers, cranes, derricks, storage tanks and pumping stations. It's not exactly Cracker P's on Lubbers Quarters Cay in the Abacos (then again, what is?) but it delivers the same effect. There is always an interesting story somewhere nearby.

On the west side is a long utility table with eight stations where the charter boat hands and their customers clean the day's catch. You can't help your curiosity when the boats tie up and unload. Who caught what? How big? How many?

It is a feast for the sea gulls and pelicans, and for the eyes of the tourists and first-time visitors, although maybe not for the squeamish.

The cleaning tables are just a short stroll down the boardwalk past the row of outdoor dining tables behind Grills.

On the other side, to the east, are the Port Canaveral boat ramps which provide their own unique entertainment.

Boat Ramp Follies

When properly executed, the process of loading a boat on to its trailer and towing it away seems to be a simple one. But, wind, weather, currents and tides, and other factors come into play. And, while I hesitate to pass judgment on the matter, let's just say that it's quite possible some of the fishermen and pleasure boaters may have consumed a few adult beverages while out on the high seas all day.

The plastic cups that Grills uses to serve drinks out on their tiki deck have an unusual graphic on the flip side.  At first, I didn't understand it, but, after a few times standing on the observation deck watching the sometimes comical escapades of late afternoon boaters on the ramp, it all made sense.

Grills patrons have been known to stand on the deck above the boat ramp and heckle boat-owners engaged in Boat Ramp Follies, and the name apparently stuck.

Now, the Grills drinking cups proudly invite one and all to the Boat Ramp Follies.

I knew I would learn to enjoy it when, on one occasion, as a flustered boat-owner finally trailered his boat and climbed in to put his truck into gear, an amused spectator yelled out, "Hey, you might want to untie your boat from the dock first!"

On a number of occasions since then, I've seen the peanut gallery on the deck applaud sarcastically when someone finally gets it right after multiple failed attempts. It's all in good fun, of course.

So, this is where I go to wind down. It is a great place to relax in the sun or the shade, in the breeze or behind shelter, out on the deck or beneath the thatched roof of the tiki bar.

You should try it. Anyone want to go?

Storms

Last August, I went to the beach when a hurricane was lurking over the Florida Keys. This may seem silly. It certainly wasn't a beautiful day by most people's standards. but the forecast made it clear that the storm - Hurricane Isaac - would cross over into the Gulf of Mexico.

It was a big storm, as you can see from this image of it (below) as it made landfall, so the effects were felt for hundreds of miles. But we weren't likely to get too much rain or devastating wind, and the beach can be inspirational, even in lousy weather.

So I went.

Days like that offer great opportunites to think, and to appreciate. I stopped at the Titusville causeway, and saw dozens of pigeons huddling under the leeward side of the bridge. I guess that's what they do during hurricanes. I wish I had taken a picture.

I also saw an older man who was by himself, sitting in his car watching people fishing by the boat ramp, even in the damp wind. On the trunk of his car was a breast cancer awareness sticker - one of the ribbon things that have become so popular. His license tag was a Florida specialty plate that showed his support for hospice care. It dawned on me that those two things were probably related. And that, together, they explained why he was alone.

I made it to the far end of the beach, and, of course,  no one was in sight. There was an old shirt tied to a stick that had been jabbed into the sand, some sort of primitive wind gage. It was a bit spooky to be alone in a storm, in an area where there is almost no evidence of humanity. It was also spooky to see how high the ocean was.

The strip of land that separates the sea from Mosquito Lagoon is narrow here, in some areas less than a hundred yards - not far past the green peak of the dune on the left in the last two photographs (below). In years past, there was much more sand here; the ocean's edge was sometimes a hundred yards from the dune. If the ocean ever gets over the dune, it's downhill from there to the river. Once that happens (and I'm sure it will, at some point), the landscape and seascape here will be altered dramatically.

For fear of being cut off by the sea, I didn't continue past this point. Technically, a back country permit is required to go past the sign, although I've never seen that rule enforced.

Days like that are different from the usual beach day. It's normally such a happy place for me, so it  was a bit unnerving to see it so gloomy and disturbed. Each time I visit, as I watch the sand slipping away with the tide, and the sea creeping inexorably to its reunion with Mosquito Lagoon, I can't help but think in cliches because they are so true. Things change. Nothing is certain.

Eventually, I went back over the causeway, grabbed a beer at Crackerjack's, walked the fishing pier in a slight drizzle and watched the birds take shelter from the wind.

A few hard-core regulars were there, probably because they had nothing better to do. There were a few people fishing, too, probably because they had to catch dinner. Or go hungry.

There is something about the ocean, even when it's raining, and the wind is gusting, and the sun is obscured by clouds. It's so easy to just sit and enjoy.

Late in the day at Crackerjack's, a woman approached me, and introduced herself as Maggie. She had noticed me one day a few weeks before, she said. Rather than sit at the tiki bar with the others, I had walked down to the dock, and relaxed on one of the benches by the boat slips.

She had been curious about me ever since.

She remembered that I just sat with my feet up and watched the sunset. She said she'd never seen anyone else do that. I told her she must be hanging around the wrong people. I did it all the time.

Even during storms.

Once again, it was hard not to think in cliches. I'm sure I told her that the sunsets were often amazing there. That it was nice to get away from the meaningless chatter at the bar. That dolphins often frolicked there in the late afternoon. That anhingas stood on the end of the dock drying their wings. That even the smallest things could make you smile, if you stopped to pay attention.

She left after a while. She had ridden there with friends, and it was time for them to go. But I'm sure I'll see her again. The whole afternoon reminded me of the one thing I always think to myself every time I watch the sun set on the water. Every day is a gift.

Get Off Your Ass

The results of a survey recently completed in Australia have been reported in mulitple sources, and the conclusion is not surprising; sitting around doing nothing is bad for you.

For each hour per day you spend watching television,  you have:

~ an 18% increase in the risk of death from heart disease

~ an 11% increase in risk from all causes of death

~ a 9% increase in the risk of death from cancer

If you spend more than four hours per day watching TV, you have:

~ an 80% increase in the risk of death from cardiovascular disease

~ a 46% increase in the risk of death from all causes

Even when researchers factored in other risks from complications such as smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and poor diet, the results were the same.

While the resesarchers focused on TV viewing, I think it is safe to assume that the risks are the same if you spend too much time knitting, reading, staring at the ceiling, or even blogging!

In any event, the message is clear. Get off your ass.  Live longer. Live healthier.

[Photo stolen from the internet]